For many years, well into adulthood, I was uncomfortable (almost fearful) of being alone; particularly at night. When alone, I became a master at staying busy….. running errands, cleaning, exercising, moving in some form or fashion….. If home, ALONE, there was always music playing or television conversation taking place. Something, anything, to fill the void. Self reflection took me to a place where I ultimately recognized it was not “others” I feared, but myself…… My thoughts, my beliefs, my internal dialogue, my history, my story. There is little more difficult than dealing with self doubt. We are often, after all, the source of our own greatest suffering.
About now you are wondering what possible positive message could be coming from this….. Hang with me, you’ll see…. I share this because I am certain I am not “alone” in this concept, and I am equally certain it is uncomfortable for some (just as it was for me) to verbalize…… I want others to know it is ok to be alone…… those who think otherwise are struggling with their own stuff and are projecting it outward.
Growing up I received little validation from those who mattered the most. I was forced into a situation where I was taking care of others, at a very early age, and I missed the affirmations and opportunities necessary to understand and appreciate the true value of “me”. I was the “perfect” child, who received little recognition while others around me created turmoil and got all the praise. It seemed, to me, as though I was invisible. My coping mechanism was to create an unlikeable persona to push others away to avoid the possibility of facing further rejection. Interesting, or maybe not so much, that I grew up functioning as an “Island of one” yet as an adult I feared being alone.
This was a conundrum I chose to explore. What I discovered was this….. I deserved so much more praise than I ever received from outside sources. I was hardworking, successful, responsible, friendly, likeable, interesting, and sometimes even funny. I feared being alone, because in doing so (particularly when still and quiet) I was forced to sit with the past hurts that percolated. Through much work and self reflection, I discovered it mattered not so much what others thought of me, but what I thought of myself. Once I recognized this and made efforts to actually like myself, there was a shift in my behavior which made me far more open to the attention of others. Those who have been with me throughout my journey understand the difference between the “old” (and quite frankly unlikeable) Tarita and the Tarita of today.
Fast forward to today. I am comfortable eating alone, hiking alone, being alone, and going to the movies alone. Not because I desire it more than being in the company of others, just simply because I am ok with me. What a concept, right? Sadly though, others are not quite as comfortable with this concept and the projections begin. “You’re hiking alone, that’s not safe,” “You’re going to the movies alone, you must be lonely,” and my favorite; “You’re traveling alone…. oh how sad.” Come on now…. Don’t rain on my parade, because you are uncomfortable 🙂
Hence the purpose of this post…. I love to travel. While I love to travel with others, others aren’t always interested or available to go. Here’s where the power of choice comes in. I can choose to stay home because “others” aren’t available, or I can choose to “go alone.” Although I had become confident in doing other daily things solo, the thought of traveling alone was a bit different…… What if I get bored? What if I get lost? What if I don’t like my own company? The true crux of the problem….. What will others think? What if they think I’m crazy and don’t want to talk to me? What if they feel sorry for me? Ultimately, it boiled down to the one question the “child” in me asks….. What if I’m invisible?
A year ago December, I wanted to go to Hawaii to do some Scuba Diving. I played through all the “What ifs,” landed on “Who cares,” and off I went. 5 glorious days I spent in Hawaii doing what I wanted, when I wanted. I met folks on the plane, I met folks on the dive boat, I met folks on the trail, I met folks at the condo, and I was alone when I wanted to be. While having Mai Tais with other condo guests a conversation with two women traveling together began. After some time, one of the women asked, “Who are you traveling with?”…. Took a little longer than I expected to get there, but I knew it was coming……. “No one,” I replied confidently… to which I heard, “Oh, that’s sad.” Uggghhhh, Why does it have to be sad?…… “Not really,” I explained…. “When you got up this morning, how much conversation did you have to have with your travel mate before deciding what to eat and where to go?” “I got to do things on my time, and now I get to enjoy your company”…… End of discussion…..What I learned that trip, was that traveling alone is OK. I did it….. I didn’t die…. and I had a really good time. I confirmed I am interesting, I am friendly, I am likeable, and sometimes I am even funny.
This past April, for my Birthday, I set off for Cozumel to a dive resort…. ALONE. Yes, I was nervous about being in another Country without others I knew. Yes, I was nervous about being at a small resort, where others would certainly have traveling companions. Yes, I worried about what others would think of me and my having no one. Yes, I ultimately realized it didn’t matter….. so I went. I had an amazing time. I met folks on the plane, I met folks in the shared taxi, I met folks on the dive boat, and I met other solo travelers (yes there are, indeed, others traveling alone). Folks there liked me (despite my own insecurities) and invites to join them were plentiful. I traveled alone, but I was not ALONE.
In two days, I am headed to Peru alone. A dream trip to hike the Inca trail. I am super excited, and yes a bit nervous. I continue to answer the questions from others about “why?” but ultimately I know this….. I am friendly, I am interesting, I am likeable, and I am sometimes even funny….. I will meet folks on the plane, I will meet folks at the hotel, I will meet folks in town, and I will make friends among those in the group I will be joining there….. I am traveling alone, but I will not be ALONE.
The point of this is not to say traveling with companions is bad….. I think just the contrary. I love sharing experiences with others; but… in those moments where you desire solitude or there are no others to go with…… I want you to know it is ok to GO ALONE. Be confident in who you are, like you for you, and don’t let the projections of others stand in your way. It is your story….. write it how you want to.
I’d love to hear from you about those moments when you were Going Alone.